I found RJ Silver's book online one day because of the title: The Princess and the Penis. O_o Yep, it was that amazing. Please go forth and read it. I mentioned it on twitter and one thing let to another and now RJ is here to give us his, ahem, wisdom. Love it.
RJ’s Advice To Women About Men
Perusing the web looking for humorous subjects on men and women, as I often do, I couldn’t help notice the other day the enormous number of websites devoted to giving women advice on men.
Some resemble car maintenance sites, with headings like, “How to Make A Man Fall In Love With You”, “How To Get Him to Talk About His Feelings”, and the rather peculiar, “How to Get A Guy To Notice You When You’re Having Sex With Him”.
Excuse me for saying this, but if your guy doesn’t notice you when you’re having sex with him, you need a lot more than advice to tune him in. Try an alarm clock across the side of the head.
What struck me as particularly odd was that many of these articles were written by men, most as elaborate advertisements for an advice book. Apparently, guys will share their deepest feelings with you, but only if you provide a credit card first.
I was also struck by the varied female interpretations of male behavior. Having read numerous of these, it occurred to me that if a man was staring at the living room wall, twenty women would come up with twenty different explanations as to why, ranging from reliving childhood trauma to contemplating a breakup.
The truth? He’s probably worried you’re going to ask him to paint.
Otherwise, to understand what a man is thinking, you can use the following guide:
- If he’s asking about food or eating food, he’s thinking about food.
- If he’s watching sports or talking about sports, he’s thinking about sports.
- The rest of the time, he’s pretty much thinking about sex.
There is one exception to this: if he has a blank look on his face, that’s because he’s not thinking anything at all. This happens a couple of times a day when his DOS 2.1 brain freezes and requires a reboot. Do not pepper him with questions during a reboot, as his unresponsiveness will only irritate you. Simply wait until he beeps and then re-start the whole conversation over again.
I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be that easy. What about all the complexities of life? The nuances of love, relationships, family, and all that stuff?
Don’t you understand? That’s why us men so desperately need women in our lives. Those things are important to us, too, but without you, we don’t have a clue how to go about them. They’re like Mac OS 10.7, and, sorry, we’re just not capable of running such advanced software on our own.
A beautiful, chaste, and completely naive princess encounters a strange lump in her mattress. The lump soon morphs into a shape familiar to everyone but her, triggering her curiosity and her father’s greatest fears. He frantically tries to intervene, but having a large phantom phallus in a curious maiden’s bed is never a good combination.
Gerry Lankin has a problem. All his life, women have been hitting him over the head, usually for good reason. Recognizing he's at fault, he's about to make big changes in his life, when he bumps into three older men at the airport. They convince him that the key to romantic happiness isn't self-improvement; it's finding a woman with low expectations.
Gerry's about to discover just how wrong three old men can be.
A billionaire playboy uses his vast wealth to pursue fantasy-based relationships with women, most recently a ballerina, a gymnast, and a yoga master. Unfortunately, every time he obtains his fantasy, it evaporates on him in hilarious fashion. It takes an accidental encounter with Anna, a chocoholic poet, to show him the true meaning of love.
I’m a little green alien who loves writing stories that cheer people up and add something positive to the world.
When I’m not doing that, I live in Bangkok, Thailand with my Thai fiancée, working toward helping underprivileged children there.