Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Advice To Women About Men - From a Man

             I found RJ Silver's book online one day because of the title: The Princess and the Penis. O_o Yep, it was that amazing. Please go forth and read it. I mentioned it on twitter and one thing let to another and now RJ is here to give us his, ahem, wisdom. Love it. 

                                                         RJ’s Advice To Women About Men

Perusing the web looking for humorous subjects on men and women, as I often do, I couldn’t help notice the other day the enormous number of websites devoted to giving women advice on men.

Some resemble car maintenance sites, with headings like, “How to Make A Man Fall In Love With You”, “How To Get Him to Talk About His Feelings”, and the rather peculiar, “How to Get A Guy To Notice You When You’re Having Sex With Him”.

Excuse me for saying this, but if your guy doesn’t notice you when you’re having sex with him, you need a lot more than advice to tune him in. Try an alarm clock across the side of the head.

What struck me as particularly odd was that many of these articles were written by men, most as elaborate advertisements for an advice book. Apparently, guys will share their deepest feelings with you, but only if you provide a credit card first.

I was also struck by the varied female interpretations of male behavior. Having read numerous of these, it occurred to me that if a man was staring at the living room wall, twenty women would come up with twenty different explanations as to why, ranging from reliving childhood trauma to contemplating a breakup.

The truth? He’s probably worried you’re going to ask him to paint.

Otherwise, to understand what a man is thinking, you can use the following guide:
  1. If he’s asking about food or eating food, he’s thinking about food.
  2. If he’s watching sports or talking about sports, he’s thinking about sports.
  3. The rest of the time, he’s pretty much thinking about sex.
There is one exception to this: if he has a blank look on his face, that’s because he’s not thinking anything at all. This happens a couple of times a day when his DOS 2.1 brain freezes and requires a reboot. Do not pepper him with questions during a reboot, as his unresponsiveness will only irritate you. Simply wait until he beeps and then re-start the whole conversation over again.

I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be that easy. What about all the complexities of life? The nuances of love, relationships, family, and all that stuff?

Don’t you understand? That’s why us men so desperately need women in our lives. Those things are important to us, too, but without you, we don’t have a clue how to go about them. They’re like Mac OS 10.7, and, sorry, we’re just not capable of running such advanced software on our own.

A beautiful, chaste, and completely naive princess encounters a strange lump in her mattress. The lump soon morphs into a shape familiar to everyone but her, triggering her curiosity and her father’s greatest fears. He frantically tries to intervene, but having a large phantom phallus in a curious maiden’s bed is never a good combination.

Gerry Lankin has a problem. All his life, women have been hitting him over the head, usually for good reason. Recognizing he's at fault, he's about to make big changes in his life, when he bumps into three older men at the airport. They convince him that the key to romantic happiness isn't self-improvement; it's finding a woman with low expectations.
Gerry's about to discover just how wrong three old men can be.

A billionaire playboy uses his vast wealth to pursue fantasy-based relationships with women, most recently a ballerina, a gymnast, and a yoga master. Unfortunately, every time he obtains his fantasy, it evaporates on him in hilarious fashion. It takes an accidental encounter with Anna, a chocoholic poet, to show him the true meaning of love.

I’m a little green alien who loves writing stories that cheer people up and add something positive to the world.
When I’m not doing that, I live in Bangkok, Thailand with my Thai fiancée, working toward helping underprivileged children there.
My artist’s name is Scott Fiander.


  1. Ha! Great post. The book sounds sweet.


  2. Too funny but so true, RJ. My husband gave me similar advice (I don't think about that stuff or I wasn't thinking anything or my favorite why does everything have to mean something?) very early on in our marriage. It took nearly the first ten years for me to believe him.

  3. I don't think I've ever laughed so much reading a post. This was great. I still don't understand how men can think about absolutely nothing, but I know that they do. Women's brains don't work that way.

  4. OMG - RJ you are a funny guy. I LOVE funny guys. I want all your...stories. Here is my email caseamajor@yahoo.com

  5. LOL. So funny and true. Great post!


  6. Way too funny and true. I remember asking my ex what he was thinking & he'd say nothing which I couldn't believe & he just looked at me dead-faced and repeat nothing. LOL


  7. Very funny, and very true.

    Awesome post and your book sounds great!

  8. Ha! Ha! This was great! I badly needed that laugh! Thank you!!

    May God bless,
    Trisha Wilson

  9. So wise and so true. And oh, so funny. :)

    Thank you for making me laugh today! ( I needed it, too.)


  10. LMAO Oh my gosh this is a great post! I am trying to keep from laughing but it's not working. Thanks for the laugh - and I've read "The Princess and The Penis" and it's hilarious!

  11. First, an apology to Carrie Ann. I have been without internet since 9:00 a.m. this morning - the price one pays for a rural lifestyle - and so have been unable to respond to comments.

    I had a good laugh reading everyone's comments, however. Yes, we men really are that simple. Now that you know that, just imagine how many thought cycles you could have saved over the years.

    Beep. Okay, ready for any additional comments.


  12. Great post. Laughed at reboot - seen that look on my husband more than once.

  13. LOL, oh man, this was a great post. Made me laugh.
    It's nice to know men really are that simple to figure out. Why do we women try to make everything into a huge deal? Stupid if you ask me.
    For now on, I'm going to try and think like a man, LOL. I'll let ya know how it works out.

  14. Um, you might want to reconsider that one, Brenda. It's okay to think like a man for a moment to understand him. But I wouldn't try to live that way. Remember, must of us men only survive BECAUSE there's a woman in our lives.

    Don't believe me? Tell Hubby you're going away for a week, then come back after 4 days, and see what kind of trainwreck you encounter before the mad cleaup in preparation for your return!

  15. LOL! Love your post. It had me and the hubs laughing! ;-)

  16. Just came across this blog today. Brilliant! Comments about men so true but would't make a great romance novel would it...or could it???


  17. @Stacey I find it a bit ironic that my words can give other men joy with their wives, yet usually result in me getting cuffed over the head by my own partner. Must be something I did in my last life.

  18. @satayforever Perhaps a modern-man version of Gone With the Wind? "Frankly, dear, I'm not sure what I think. Why don't you decide and we'll go with that?"...oh oh, going to get cuffed for that one for sure...

  19. Surprisingly astute for a man! But very funny.!


  20. Thanks for the post-definitely chuckle worthy! Astute advice :)

    mljfoland AT hotmail DOT com

  21. Love it! This blog made me laugh and the books sound as funny and entertaining!